Compassion is a living, breathing, profoundly complex human interaction. It represents a heart-, mind-, soul-connection with someone who suffers.
Neither sympathy nor empathy is compassion. Expressions of sympathy enable dependency and weakness. “You poor thing” does nothing to lift another out of their direness; rather it increases the dark experience.
Empathy, while a component of compassion, is only a part. In and of itself, empathy is simply having our own feelings about another’s story when we hear it, and feeling our own emotions about their pain. We think we identify with their pain, but we don’t. We identify with our own. The component that empathy brings to compassion is feeling.
Neuroscientists found a small region in the brain, the subgenual anterior cingulate cortex, that lights up when people feel empathy. If this area of the brain did not develop properly, the person lacks the capacity for empathy. The good news is that the brain can be “rewired” because of its plastic nature, and empathy can be learned. Meditation serves beneficially toward this end.
There seem to be five vital ingredients in practicing compassion: individual identity, honesty, acceptance, empathy and willingness.
Individual identity: Our personal identity must be retained, in order to effectively engage with another. Otherwise, we may feel absorbed and lost in the pain of another. Without a personal self, the experience of any other cannot truly occur.
Honesty: In metaphysics, “It all begins within,” is integral. Since everything in the human experience begins within, self-honesty is vital. Without self-honesty, recognition of the connection between that-which-begins-within and its manifestation in the world of effects cannot occur. Self-honesty can be humbling; however, it is the key to self-realization.
Acceptance: Self-acceptance is key. Without it, real acceptance of another is impossible. Without acceptance of self and another as is, critical judgment and rejection wait to pounce.
Empathy: Empathy provides the framework in which life experiences can be shared, and self-honesty and self-acceptance operate as its heart. They pump the living blood of empathy into compassion.
Willingness: Compassion requires the willingness to “stay” with whatever arises for another, no matter how long it takes. This is potentially the hardest part about compassion; it hurts to be with another person’s hurt, and yet it remains critical for compassion to be shared.
It’s impossible to go through life without feeling hurt or hurting others. It’s part of living. Liberating ourselves from subsequent anger, resentment or guilt, having compassion for ourselves or another, begins the real healing.
What if you imagine the “offender” as a little kid, who acted out of hurt or fear, doing the best they could to defend or protect themselves. Little kids don’t understand deeply about life, and can react strongly. When we remember this, ripping the head off of that innocent little kid with the big, puppy-dog eyes becomes less appealing. To paraphrase author Jennifer Sincero, “Find compassion for [that] sweet little, sippy-cup [kid] and let it all go.” This also applies to finding compassion for ourselves.
It may be easier to feel compassion for a friend or loved-one, but what about our “enemies”? THEY are the ones who give us the greatest opportunity to develop this soul-growing spiritual practice.
Compassion is not a spectator sport. One must engage and participate. Compassion motivates behaviors that are beyond one’s self, and it heals both the one offering it, and the one who receives it.
The reality of compassion is that it can be challenging, uncomfortable and soul-wrenching work. The practice, however, brings an experience of Divinity Itself. This is the beauty and the healing gift of compassion.